Sleepy Sundays

Today was a pretty typical day for me... Since the boys stay with Rex's parents on Saturday nights, I have the luxury of sleeping in a little later than normal.  Once I force myself out from under my comfy covers, the first MUST for me is boiling water for my french press.  Favorite sound in the morning besides my sweet little ones....my whistling tea kettle.  I love my morning coffee....I need my morning coffee...  I'm not sure which one of those statements is more important than the other =)  My coffee is done in a relatively short amount of time.  I fight for just enough energy to manage to turn the TV on.  Usually a rerun.  Enjoy my super strong coffee.  Shower and get ready.  Head to church.  

For some reason, though I always seem to get enough sleep, I am always SLEEPY on Sundays.  It must be that my body is aware that it is the day of rest =)  So, even though the sermon might be amazing or the praise and worship is full of dancing beats, I want to crawl into the fetal position in the corner of the church and take a nice little rest.  Sometimes I wonder if people might just think that I am in major prayer...  I've never been brave enough to try that, nor would I probably DO IT, but it's something to think about!  

So, on this sleepy Sunday, I took a nice 2 hour nap with my boys.  Met up with a friend for some tag team grocery shopping, which might I say was incredibly upsetting!  Not the meeting up with Sarah part, but the trying to figure out que en el mundo they put everything in the store!  I can normally get in and out in less than 45 minutes with my handy-dandy list.  But, of course they are totally rearranging the store.  Baby food next to women's razors?  Please help me understand how this makes any sense whatsoever!  

Yup, so, my trip to the grocery store on a Sleepy Sunday was probably the most I did today to exert any energy.  That and washing dishes. 

It's in the Water...

Seriously....I feel like I'm going crazy....not just a little bit crazy....but full-on, shave your head like Britney Spears crazy!  However, unlike her, the need to shave my head is null and void since it's falling out by the hand fulls.  My close friend and one of my hair stylists, Shiloh, verified last night that my hair is in fact falling out....from the root.... I've always wanted to try a wig.  Maybe this is my time.

Stress much?  =0) 

I am a worrier!  My mind just goes there...sometimes uncontrollably so.  It just does. All of the "what if's?" and "How are we gonna...'s" usually hit me at one time.  Usually right around the time where Hollister is begging me to help him kill Bowser, or when Gideon has filled up his diaper for the 80 millionth time.  So, naturally, I start to twitch.  As in, there have been times that my eye will literally twitch....it's even noticeable to others.  It's 40% funny, 60% embarrassing.  

SO, I know the what....(I'm going a little bit nutzo).  I now need to figure out the why and how.  Why I'm so friggin' all over the place and HOW in the world to ground myself again.  Crawl out of this little quicksand trap I've been in for weeks.  

I've yet to figure it all out....OBVIOUSLY =0), BUT I think I'm finally getting somewhere.  I like...NO...I LOVE to be in control of my surroundings...the things around me.  Not necessarily people....like my hubby (though he might argue this at times), but THINGS.... My house, my kids, my car, my time, my health,  my *fill-in-the-blank*.  You name it, I like it when it goes my way.  But, then again....who doesn't REALLY??  

So, that's not the point.... Point is that I like to feel like I'm in control.  I like my laundry cleaned and folded, my groceries neatly put away, my floors swept and vacuumed, my toilets scrubbed, my meals planned, and the list goes on.  The only problem is that I rarely feel like I accomplished any of the above things mentioned.  I clean here and there...I attempt to cook, but most of the time I'm running back and forth into the kitchen- chicken is overcooked, rice is burned, veggies overdone... As soon as one room is cleaned, another mess is made- somewhere in my house..... BAH!  


                                       (Gideon pulled out every stitch of clothing!)

       Later that day, after folding and putting all the clothes back in the drawer, I walk back in to find...

Not only is my house a WRECK most of the time now, but so is my friggin' health all over the place the past few weeks.  Not anything too crazy or out of the norm.  Just absolutely ANNOYING things going on....the snowballs keep on rolling and I can make me a snowman in July!  One thing leads to another.  So. I need a maid and I need a new body.  I need the whole DROP DEAD DIVA thing to happen.  SO KIDDING!  But, at times I do think it would be slightly nice.  

I just need to realize I can't be perfect....nor can everything around me be.  I have to come to place where I'm okay with that...Not only OKAY, but pleased.  Dare I say, happy!

I love my life.  I love my husband.  I love my kids. I have amazing friends and family. This is not me trying to convince myself.  This is me stating the obvious...stating the very few things in my life that I know FOR CERTAIN.  While I might not know how I'm going accomplish all of today's tasks...I do know, at the end of the day, I'll be home with my family.  That's what is most important.  But, that's also my struggle.  I need to learn how to step back and enjoy life...when my house is upside down...when I am not feeling 100%.  It's hard.  I have a few good days....a whole bunch of ICK days...this most definitely needs to be reversed. 

After writing ALL of this-  I've figured out at least ONE of my goals.  I need to LET GO of what I can't control...focus on the things I can.  I can control my attitude.  I can aim to be a great mom and a great wife.  I need to prioritize.  Time with the kids should most definitely trump dirty dishes in my sink.  

I know this...but acting on it is difficult for me.  I will TRY!  Maybe I can come up with a better way to spread out my tasks and still spend special time with the kiddos and Rex.  I want to enjoy life.  I want my husband and kids to enjoy it as well.  I can't imagine it being an easy thing to do while living with a crazy lady.  Let's just hope this whole crazy thing is a phase. 

I've been inspired...

 Growing up I always kept a journal.  My first was an extremely small notepad...as in one of those 2 in x 3 in ones. Then I moved on to one of those hot pink top-secret frilly ones covered with lace- with it's very own lock and key.  Eventually, as I changed in my appearance, so did my choice of journal.  It all depended on my mood.  Needless to say, I had a wide variety of journals over the years.

It started in '92 when my family and I moved to Liepaja, Latvia for one year.  Someone briefly mentioned that I should write while I was there.  I did.  I wrote.  EVERYTHING.  I do believe I might still have that bright animal printed notepad somewhere tucked away.  Maybe I'll do some digging around tomorrow.  That would definitely give me something to look forward to.  

Though our time in Liepaja ended, my desire for writing only grew.  In a way, I was addicted.  I soon found myself saddened if a day passed and I hadn't had a few minutes to scribble my thoughts.  I can't express how many nights I'd spend in my room jotting things down.  Whether it was about the note I got in trouble for passing in class, or if it was about what was written on that note...I felt it important enough to give the details of every second.  Who I liked and why...That was a very popular subject throughout.  Some of my entries were focused on my trials and tribulations at that moment.  But, mind you, those "trials and tribulations" ranged anywhere from a zit on my chin to pretty severe depression.  Either way, writing soon become a daily part of my routine.  Writing was my therapy- my escape- my stress relief- my ME time.  

I was recently home to visit my family in South Carolina when my mom handed me two of my old journals...Two questions came to mind.  1, Where in the world did Mom find these? and 2, Did she read them? I suppose if the roles were reversed, I might have been tempted to sneak a peak! Somehow I must have left those out of my "JOURNALS TO BURN" stack.  I put my pajamas on, slid under my parents thick, fluffy gold embroidered comforter and read what I had written back in 2003.  I prepared myself.  I mostly laughed as I read the very last entry I ever wrote. Those six pages were all centered around the man that is lying next to me in bed.  

That was it...my last entry...2003.  I was going to meet Rex, my on-line pal.  Long story short: we met, fell in love, got engaged, traveled to Australia, got married,...etc.  I guess life took such a crazy turn that, in the hustle and bustle of things, my writing came to a screeching halt.  I'm not even sure if I realized it... and, if I did, did I miss it?

I miss it. Now.

I didn't realize it so much until reading one of my amazing friend's blog....She inspired me.

So tonight, I'm for the first time in my life, BLOGGING.  Slightly a different feel than physically writing....but it feels nice.  I'm not sure how long this phase will last...if I'll become addicted once again to my writing sessions.  I guess time will tell.