Change...

One of the main reasons I wanted to blog was to have the opportunity to write about my struggles, accomplishments, adventures (whenever those may come =), concerns,...pretty much anything and everything.  Writing is therapeutic for me.... My very own "self therapy."  It always has been.  The only difference between now and back in the days was when writing years ago, I never wrote knowing that I might allow someone to read it.  But, the whole idea behind "Let's just go there," is that it might actually be helpful to write, share and discuss those "off limit" topics.... especially with my closest friends and family.  Right?  Well, maybe... It's highly possible those who are questioning if I am a total weirdo might find confirmation.  

So, all of that to say, one of the topics that I've always had a difficult time talking about is weight-loss.  Well, to be specific, the struggle to eat well, lose weight and be healthy when "life" happens.  I've NEVER done well with change.  Change and I aren't good friends.  I have known for years that I am definitely drawn to food for comfort.  That's dangerous... The worst part is, where most would turn to food to ease depression or stress, I seem to be drawn to it pretty much any time!  Happy? Sad? Even when there's reason to celebrate!  The most twisted thing...is after losing 5 or 10 pounds, it's easy to say, "Hey! Let's go get a little reward!"  Ha!  SO not the right way to think. 

With health now being a main concern of mine, my weakness is definitely standing in my way of reaching my goals.  This week I sent my 5-year-old to Kindergarten for the first time.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  My life is moving quickly, my baby is five!  He's going to school!  My little one is now in mother's morning out...Yesterday I had flashes of everything from Gideon's first day of kindergarten to Hollister bringing home his first girlfriend....Marriage, kids...One day my kids will be in the exact spot I'm in. HOLY FRIGGIN' COW!  

Okay, Brandi, BREATHE!

Needless to say, just this very tiny change....KINDER-FREAKIN'-GARTEN...has triggered so many thoughts.  I'm getting older.  I'm totally comfortable being 30...or at least I think I am.  So, yesterday I was uncomfortable.  I think that is a great word to define how I felt.  I was realizing all of these changes....and I was UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was happy that Hollister was so excited...but so sad to realize that this small change is only the beginning.  AGAIN, HOLY COW!  I was so emotional...and yesterday was an example that I am an emotional snacker.  I was reaching for salty....sweet....crunchy.  The good news is that, as of a month or so ago, we keep pretty much all "healthy-ish" foods in our home.  Thank goodness I didn't have access to cookie dough or mint choco-chip ice cream!  However, healthy snacks and all, I probably ate  close to an entire day's worth of calories just in snacks.  I realize this is a bad habit that needs to be broken.  I'm at the place right now where I'm learning a lot about nutrition and healthy habits. I'm simply struggling to put this so-called "healthy-habits" into motion.  It's definitely harder than most people think, in my opinion.

Today, as I sent my baby to 5-K, I felt my heart sink just a little.  I kissed him, hugged him REAL tight...waved as he climbed into his car seat.  "Bye Momma!," he said...Then probably because he sensed my sadness, he reassured me, "I'll be back in ten minutes, Mom!"  Heart. Sinking. Someone. Pick. It. Up.  I miss him.  He's such a huge part of my day.  Now, I'm staring at Gideon and thinking....this use to be my Hollister.  How strange of a thought.  

HOWEVER, I realize that yesterday was a tiny bump in the road for me.  I messed up, but that doesn't mean I can't do well today.  Yes, I'm emotional again today.  I'm adjusting to this very new season in my life... But, today I'm aware...I'm motivated to make better choices.  Like that lovely little Engine that Could....today's mantra is:  I think I can, I think I can...