Change...

One of the main reasons I wanted to blog was to have the opportunity to write about my struggles, accomplishments, adventures (whenever those may come =), concerns,...pretty much anything and everything.  Writing is therapeutic for me.... My very own "self therapy."  It always has been.  The only difference between now and back in the days was when writing years ago, I never wrote knowing that I might allow someone to read it.  But, the whole idea behind "Let's just go there," is that it might actually be helpful to write, share and discuss those "off limit" topics.... especially with my closest friends and family.  Right?  Well, maybe... It's highly possible those who are questioning if I am a total weirdo might find confirmation.  

So, all of that to say, one of the topics that I've always had a difficult time talking about is weight-loss.  Well, to be specific, the struggle to eat well, lose weight and be healthy when "life" happens.  I've NEVER done well with change.  Change and I aren't good friends.  I have known for years that I am definitely drawn to food for comfort.  That's dangerous... The worst part is, where most would turn to food to ease depression or stress, I seem to be drawn to it pretty much any time!  Happy? Sad? Even when there's reason to celebrate!  The most twisted thing...is after losing 5 or 10 pounds, it's easy to say, "Hey! Let's go get a little reward!"  Ha!  SO not the right way to think. 

With health now being a main concern of mine, my weakness is definitely standing in my way of reaching my goals.  This week I sent my 5-year-old to Kindergarten for the first time.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  My life is moving quickly, my baby is five!  He's going to school!  My little one is now in mother's morning out...Yesterday I had flashes of everything from Gideon's first day of kindergarten to Hollister bringing home his first girlfriend....Marriage, kids...One day my kids will be in the exact spot I'm in. HOLY FRIGGIN' COW!  

Okay, Brandi, BREATHE!

Needless to say, just this very tiny change....KINDER-FREAKIN'-GARTEN...has triggered so many thoughts.  I'm getting older.  I'm totally comfortable being 30...or at least I think I am.  So, yesterday I was uncomfortable.  I think that is a great word to define how I felt.  I was realizing all of these changes....and I was UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was happy that Hollister was so excited...but so sad to realize that this small change is only the beginning.  AGAIN, HOLY COW!  I was so emotional...and yesterday was an example that I am an emotional snacker.  I was reaching for salty....sweet....crunchy.  The good news is that, as of a month or so ago, we keep pretty much all "healthy-ish" foods in our home.  Thank goodness I didn't have access to cookie dough or mint choco-chip ice cream!  However, healthy snacks and all, I probably ate  close to an entire day's worth of calories just in snacks.  I realize this is a bad habit that needs to be broken.  I'm at the place right now where I'm learning a lot about nutrition and healthy habits. I'm simply struggling to put this so-called "healthy-habits" into motion.  It's definitely harder than most people think, in my opinion.

Today, as I sent my baby to 5-K, I felt my heart sink just a little.  I kissed him, hugged him REAL tight...waved as he climbed into his car seat.  "Bye Momma!," he said...Then probably because he sensed my sadness, he reassured me, "I'll be back in ten minutes, Mom!"  Heart. Sinking. Someone. Pick. It. Up.  I miss him.  He's such a huge part of my day.  Now, I'm staring at Gideon and thinking....this use to be my Hollister.  How strange of a thought.  

HOWEVER, I realize that yesterday was a tiny bump in the road for me.  I messed up, but that doesn't mean I can't do well today.  Yes, I'm emotional again today.  I'm adjusting to this very new season in my life... But, today I'm aware...I'm motivated to make better choices.  Like that lovely little Engine that Could....today's mantra is:  I think I can, I think I can...

Summer Sonic Runs

Anyone who knows me has heard, at one time or another, the name Mary-Beth....or as we all call her "MB".  She lives across the street from me, here in Shady Hollow.  As most would assume, when introducing her to others I would use the term "Neighbor"....but "neighbor" doesn't feel right these days.  I think our true "neighbors" think we are Sister Wives....but that's a whole other story.  Though I've only known her for 6 months, I could almost swear we grew up in the same household.  We have so much in common that it's scary.  I won't go into the similarities because it would probably bore whoever actually reads these things.  

Early on in our fast growing friendship we realized that traditions were already forming.  One being late night swings.  "Swing for 10?"..."Sure! Meet you out front!"... Both of our husbands learned a LONG time ago that ten minutes never holds true.  The time just passes so fast.  

As summer approached, we somehow started doing late night SONIC runs.  I'm a fan of diet cherry limeade...Though she might get that  half the time, she normally just gets a diet soda.  So, there have been several occasions where I've jumped in my car...or hers...in PJ's, SONIC bound.  It's great having a friend who lives so close.  

MB asked me if she could take a picture of me at Sonic.  She's practicing with lighting... She's got the gift of photography for sure. However, no matter how great one might be...taking a picture of me wearing PJ's, with little to no make-up...that's priceless!  =)  NEVER HAPPENS!!! However, I let her.

I'm not sure how long we'll be on the "Sonic" kick, but until one of us gets burned out...I'll be looking forward to those late night rides, sippin' on my diet cherry limeade!

My Baby turned 5!

 (My baby is growing up....He's almost 3 in the picture above.)

This past Sunday, my sweet, energetic little blond-headed Hollister turned five years old.  I have no idea where the time went!  I remember like it was yesterday finding out that we were going to have a baby...

Sweet Hollister was what we like to call a "surprise blessing" =)  Rex and I had only been married 13 months when we realized that our lives would soon change...forever... and for the best.  I am not saying that it was all a piece of cake.  It certainly wasn't.  There were many rough patches and a whole lot of learning.  Spit up here, throw up there...sleepless nights, the TEETHING, hitting spells, wetting beds, and the list goes on.  However, there were also sweet cuddles, gentle caresses, tender kisses, sweet smiles, baby's first words, interest in every move that's made or noise that's heard.  Those moments when the only thing that matters to him is knowing his mommdy is right there.  Those nights when, at that time you just want to sleep, but instead you're holding baby and rocking him for hours.  Those nights are the nights you look back on a smile.  They hold a very special place in your heart- forever.

Now, today, I watched my no-so-little Hollister run and jump around with several of his friends.  We, like many, chose to celebrate his 5th birthday at the Hoppin' House... and that was NO mistake.  We all had fun.  I spent most of the time at the party trying to make sure everything was going smoothly.  Every once in a while, I'd see Hollister sliding down one of the slides or talking to one of his friends and I'd wonder how he grew up so fast.  He's my little boy.  My 5-year-old.  I am so happy he had a fantastic party.  I'm so grateful for those who came to celebrate with us.  I'm so blessed to be a mom... But, I must admit, it hit me today how much he's growing up and I might be just a little sad.

Challenge Accepted...

I was unaware of how much I'd be sewing these days...so when my shaky, fold-out Target table started making me nauseous, my Mom-in-LOVE delivered the most perfect solid oak desk for me to use. I'm sitting at my new (old) solid oak desk, staring at my sewing machine.  It's a Singer...and for some reason it's given the name "Confidence".... I laugh at that.  I'm not quite as confident as I'd like to be at this point in the game.  

I've grown up watching my mom and my grandmother create masterpieces with this so-called "sewing machines."  I never understood why they were drawn to the craft.  Mom made costume upon costume....curtains, pillow covers, quilts, you name it, she could sew it!  Every once in a while I'd here a groan or a huff....She might have exchanged a few words with the machine every now and then.  But, sooner or later she'd summon me into the kitchen to examine her work of art...Which, being completely honest, was always perfect.  

I never remembered asking her why she chose to spend hour after hour struggling, threading the bobbin, switching the needle, twisting the fabric.  I'm not sure why I never asked...I just watched and, every once in awhile was asked to give my opinion.  

After all of these years, I GET IT!  No matter how challenging or how frustrating sewing can be at times, there's something to be said of turning several pieces of random fabrics into something practical, unique, dare I say...FABULOUS!  

It. Makes. Me. Happy.

Though I might not be perfect...my seams are definitely uneven at times.  My transitions obvious.  I'm enjoying MOST every second sitting in front of my $199 Singer.  A year ago I felt drawn to purchase one...  Perhaps I am even more like my mom and grandmother than I thought.  I left the store with this huge, heavy box wondering how long it would take me before packing it back up and trucking it back...  I practiced my first statement...with added southern charm, "I have no idea what I was thinking, ma'am (2 syllables please).  Can I please have my money back?"

I laugh at the thought.  A year ago, I wasn't certain of my purchase...But today, I'm so thankful my soon-to-be named sewing machine!  That's how much I love her. =)

I have a lot to learn.  I'm a beginner.  But, to my Singer/Confidence I say, "Challenge Accepted!"

Now, back to sewing.

Sleepy Sundays

Today was a pretty typical day for me... Since the boys stay with Rex's parents on Saturday nights, I have the luxury of sleeping in a little later than normal.  Once I force myself out from under my comfy covers, the first MUST for me is boiling water for my french press.  Favorite sound in the morning besides my sweet little ones....my whistling tea kettle.  I love my morning coffee....I need my morning coffee...  I'm not sure which one of those statements is more important than the other =)  My coffee is done in a relatively short amount of time.  I fight for just enough energy to manage to turn the TV on.  Usually a rerun.  Enjoy my super strong coffee.  Shower and get ready.  Head to church.  

For some reason, though I always seem to get enough sleep, I am always SLEEPY on Sundays.  It must be that my body is aware that it is the day of rest =)  So, even though the sermon might be amazing or the praise and worship is full of dancing beats, I want to crawl into the fetal position in the corner of the church and take a nice little rest.  Sometimes I wonder if people might just think that I am in major prayer...  I've never been brave enough to try that, nor would I probably DO IT, but it's something to think about!  

So, on this sleepy Sunday, I took a nice 2 hour nap with my boys.  Met up with a friend for some tag team grocery shopping, which might I say was incredibly upsetting!  Not the meeting up with Sarah part, but the trying to figure out que en el mundo they put everything in the store!  I can normally get in and out in less than 45 minutes with my handy-dandy list.  But, of course they are totally rearranging the store.  Baby food next to women's razors?  Please help me understand how this makes any sense whatsoever!  

Yup, so, my trip to the grocery store on a Sleepy Sunday was probably the most I did today to exert any energy.  That and washing dishes. 

It's in the Water...

Seriously....I feel like I'm going crazy....not just a little bit crazy....but full-on, shave your head like Britney Spears crazy!  However, unlike her, the need to shave my head is null and void since it's falling out by the hand fulls.  My close friend and one of my hair stylists, Shiloh, verified last night that my hair is in fact falling out....from the root.... I've always wanted to try a wig.  Maybe this is my time.

Stress much?  =0) 

I am a worrier!  My mind just goes there...sometimes uncontrollably so.  It just does. All of the "what if's?" and "How are we gonna...'s" usually hit me at one time.  Usually right around the time where Hollister is begging me to help him kill Bowser, or when Gideon has filled up his diaper for the 80 millionth time.  So, naturally, I start to twitch.  As in, there have been times that my eye will literally twitch....it's even noticeable to others.  It's 40% funny, 60% embarrassing.  

SO, I know the what....(I'm going a little bit nutzo).  I now need to figure out the why and how.  Why I'm so friggin' all over the place and HOW in the world to ground myself again.  Crawl out of this little quicksand trap I've been in for weeks.  

I've yet to figure it all out....OBVIOUSLY =0), BUT I think I'm finally getting somewhere.  I like...NO...I LOVE to be in control of my surroundings...the things around me.  Not necessarily people....like my hubby (though he might argue this at times), but THINGS.... My house, my kids, my car, my time, my health,  my *fill-in-the-blank*.  You name it, I like it when it goes my way.  But, then again....who doesn't REALLY??  

So, that's not the point.... Point is that I like to feel like I'm in control.  I like my laundry cleaned and folded, my groceries neatly put away, my floors swept and vacuumed, my toilets scrubbed, my meals planned, and the list goes on.  The only problem is that I rarely feel like I accomplished any of the above things mentioned.  I clean here and there...I attempt to cook, but most of the time I'm running back and forth into the kitchen- chicken is overcooked, rice is burned, veggies overdone... As soon as one room is cleaned, another mess is made- somewhere in my house..... BAH!  


                                       (Gideon pulled out every stitch of clothing!)

       Later that day, after folding and putting all the clothes back in the drawer, I walk back in to find...

Not only is my house a WRECK most of the time now, but so is my friggin' health all over the place the past few weeks.  Not anything too crazy or out of the norm.  Just absolutely ANNOYING things going on....the snowballs keep on rolling and I can make me a snowman in July!  One thing leads to another.  So. I need a maid and I need a new body.  I need the whole DROP DEAD DIVA thing to happen.  SO KIDDING!  But, at times I do think it would be slightly nice.  

I just need to realize I can't be perfect....nor can everything around me be.  I have to come to place where I'm okay with that...Not only OKAY, but pleased.  Dare I say, happy!

I love my life.  I love my husband.  I love my kids. I have amazing friends and family. This is not me trying to convince myself.  This is me stating the obvious...stating the very few things in my life that I know FOR CERTAIN.  While I might not know how I'm going accomplish all of today's tasks...I do know, at the end of the day, I'll be home with my family.  That's what is most important.  But, that's also my struggle.  I need to learn how to step back and enjoy life...when my house is upside down...when I am not feeling 100%.  It's hard.  I have a few good days....a whole bunch of ICK days...this most definitely needs to be reversed. 

After writing ALL of this-  I've figured out at least ONE of my goals.  I need to LET GO of what I can't control...focus on the things I can.  I can control my attitude.  I can aim to be a great mom and a great wife.  I need to prioritize.  Time with the kids should most definitely trump dirty dishes in my sink.  

I know this...but acting on it is difficult for me.  I will TRY!  Maybe I can come up with a better way to spread out my tasks and still spend special time with the kiddos and Rex.  I want to enjoy life.  I want my husband and kids to enjoy it as well.  I can't imagine it being an easy thing to do while living with a crazy lady.  Let's just hope this whole crazy thing is a phase. 

I've been inspired...

 Growing up I always kept a journal.  My first was an extremely small notepad...as in one of those 2 in x 3 in ones. Then I moved on to one of those hot pink top-secret frilly ones covered with lace- with it's very own lock and key.  Eventually, as I changed in my appearance, so did my choice of journal.  It all depended on my mood.  Needless to say, I had a wide variety of journals over the years.

It started in '92 when my family and I moved to Liepaja, Latvia for one year.  Someone briefly mentioned that I should write while I was there.  I did.  I wrote.  EVERYTHING.  I do believe I might still have that bright animal printed notepad somewhere tucked away.  Maybe I'll do some digging around tomorrow.  That would definitely give me something to look forward to.  

Though our time in Liepaja ended, my desire for writing only grew.  In a way, I was addicted.  I soon found myself saddened if a day passed and I hadn't had a few minutes to scribble my thoughts.  I can't express how many nights I'd spend in my room jotting things down.  Whether it was about the note I got in trouble for passing in class, or if it was about what was written on that note...I felt it important enough to give the details of every second.  Who I liked and why...That was a very popular subject throughout.  Some of my entries were focused on my trials and tribulations at that moment.  But, mind you, those "trials and tribulations" ranged anywhere from a zit on my chin to pretty severe depression.  Either way, writing soon become a daily part of my routine.  Writing was my therapy- my escape- my stress relief- my ME time.  

I was recently home to visit my family in South Carolina when my mom handed me two of my old journals...Two questions came to mind.  1, Where in the world did Mom find these? and 2, Did she read them? I suppose if the roles were reversed, I might have been tempted to sneak a peak! Somehow I must have left those out of my "JOURNALS TO BURN" stack.  I put my pajamas on, slid under my parents thick, fluffy gold embroidered comforter and read what I had written back in 2003.  I prepared myself.  I mostly laughed as I read the very last entry I ever wrote. Those six pages were all centered around the man that is lying next to me in bed.  

That was it...my last entry...2003.  I was going to meet Rex, my on-line pal.  Long story short: we met, fell in love, got engaged, traveled to Australia, got married,...etc.  I guess life took such a crazy turn that, in the hustle and bustle of things, my writing came to a screeching halt.  I'm not even sure if I realized it... and, if I did, did I miss it?

I miss it. Now.

I didn't realize it so much until reading one of my amazing friend's blog....She inspired me.

So tonight, I'm for the first time in my life, BLOGGING.  Slightly a different feel than physically writing....but it feels nice.  I'm not sure how long this phase will last...if I'll become addicted once again to my writing sessions.  I guess time will tell.